If you have a pattern of attracting narcissistic partners, there is a good, great, chance you were raised by a narcissistic parent.
They groomed you to be the perfect partner for the narcissist. Here’s how:
The narcissistic parent taught you that their needs were important, yours weren’t. If you exerted personal power by expressing your feelings, opinions or beliefs, or asked for what you wanted, the Narcissist parent, depending on their style met your request with disdain, aloofness, or vengeful outrage.
Their way of thinking was, “How dare you have needs”. “Your needs should match my needs” In other words, your needs, wants and desires don’t count. It was their way or the highway, and as a vulnerable child, you learned to adapt to their way to stay safe.
So when you meet a potential partner, you will defer to his/her needs, because that is your normal. When deciding what to do for a date you might say, “What do you want to do?” without a second thought. Narcissists lap this up and see that you are a great target to meet their every whim, desire, and need. They see that you will bow down to their wants, desires, and way of doing things.
You were not taught to speak up. You were taught that your voice was an annoyance and irrelevant to the narcissistic parent whose unconscious goal was to use you and manipulate you to supply their needs and stay in power. You were taught that your needs are always secondary to others. You probably became a people pleaser out of necessity and survival.
Cues can be subtle, so listen carefully if you have decided that you will no longer be in a relationship with a narcissist. He/she may say things like, “You are overthinking things”. This is discounting your feelings and is grooming you to keep your thoughts to yourself. It is easy for an adult child of a narcissist to overlook this as a red flag because being devalued and discounted is their norm.
The way out of this seemingly never-ending loop of attracting a narcissist is to spend time loving yourself more, listening to your inner voice, and paying attention to your potential partner’s responses. If it seems all too familiar, that is probably a big red flag.
The way out of the dynamic of being the Narcissist’s wingman is to heal. Let’s get the ball rolling.
Originally posted on Medium.com
