I had a dream when I was 9 years old that I found myself in the garbage can and taken to the curb! That is not what literally happened, but it is obvious that it was in my subconscious mind, the fear of being thrown out.
If you grew up with or married someone on the Narcissism spectrum, you bent over backward, using every strategy in your childlike or adult mind, to try to make them happy. We did this because we were rewarded with approval if they perceived we were part of their temporary happiness. When they were unhappy, we became the target to blame. Under this duress we forfeited ourselves, abandoning our identity.
We accepted our status as subpar in every way.
We are wired to ‘know’ that if our caregivers or partners don’t like or love us, we could be cast out, and kicked to the curb!
Truth # 1
If you had a Narcissistic parent or partner, you spent years putting their needs first, at the expense of your own needs, hopes, and dreams. You were not spontaneous, you were strategic and vigilant. You did not play, you fretted, anticipated, and served.
While you engaged in this toxic dance, it was at the expense of your growth, your happiness, your identity, and autonomy — your first priority was to please them, and try to protect yourself — a futile dance in trauma bonding. No matter what you did, it was never enough. It will never be enough.
There can never be enough pleasing to change the dynamic of the manipulative, bullying person, further cementing this behavioral pattern loop. And here we are today.
Truth # 2
The solution is, always, to become self-aware of your behaviors, and do the healing work. And get out of toxic situations that are not in your best interest!
The insidious thing about being groomed to be a people pleaser, is how a circumstance or experience in adult life can trigger you right back there, pleasing until you find yourself exhausted, frustrated, fearful, and dying inside.
Until you wake up to the role you engaged in and played with the Narcissist, you will ‘fall into’ circumstances that match your people-pleasing ways. You might find a Narcissistic boss, a match made in his/her heaven. Of course, they hire you, your people-pleasing behavior is perfect for this Narcissist. They can work you into the ground without protest from you. Because it is your normal, you will swimmingly please, please, and please some more. Even if you try to assert yourself, you will be met with dismissal, maybe a lighthearted or offhand comment to put your needs off, and put you in your place — 2nd fiddle to the Narcissist. Most of the time you feel invisible and small because your behavior is small, apologetic, and Pleasing! This never-ending cycle can be broken but must be done intentionally by learning new tools.
Truth # 3
Learning to say no, learning to assert yourself, learning to express your truth, and stand in your personal power takes time, but it starts with awareness and making better choices once you develop new behaviors. If you start today and practice, it will be the first day of the rest of a new invigorating, and free life. As always, I am here for you.
Article originally posted on Medium.com
