The biggest question I had after my narc relationship crashed was why? Why did I pick him? What was it about me that was attracted to someone who was, in retrospect, toxic?
On one of many sleepless and teary nights, I made a decision. It was time to take a deep dive. Many moons ago I’d read “The Dark Side of the Light Chasers” by Debbie Ford. It was fun reading about our shadow sides and how to integrate them into our consciousness and bring them forward, so they no longer had managerial control over our choices. In order do this, I would need to get out of hypothetical mode, face hard truths and get real with myself. Yikes!
While it was a rough ride looking truthfully at the murky, abandoned and less than ideal aspects of me, I highly recommend the following exercise to Shadow Proof against Narcissists and other gnarly people.
Make a commitment to discover your inner self. There are aspects that you have not yet become acquainted with. It is perfectly normal for this to sound scary. The shadow parts of self (unclaimed and unknown personality aspects) hide in our unconscious, out of reach until we’re brave enough to step into self-awareness, bring them forward, integrate into wholeness and heal.
Our ego is skilled at keeping them hidden until we take the wheel. We abandoned these parts of us because they were shamed into submission, used as examples of our ineptitudes and pointed out as defects and flaws by parents, teachers and others in positions of power. We were conditioned to hide our authentic being. In so doing we agreed to become a false self, to hide those parts that we think are unlovable.
Here is where our imposter is born.
In this brokenness we build a wall of defensiveness, fear and pain. And, the wound is established. The narcissist is a perfect match — a mirror for the split selves we have become. Therefore, it is imperative to seek, find and heal the shadow; heal and become bulletproof against such fuckery again.
1. Become self-aware and witness to yourself, just detached and open enough to recognize those parts you don’t like, perhaps are ashamed or embarrassed about. The clues to why we do things that don’t serve us well can often be found in the shadow.
2. Find your shadow. What aspects of you were shamed? Your parents may have reinforced shame by trying to manage and control your behavior. They positively reinforced traits that supported the family identity. Any behaviors outside those “norms” (or were inconvenient for parental management) were met with disdain, shame, disgust, rejection, and punishment.
Did you have a distant, absent or abusive parent? If so, your fear of being unlovable went into the shadow. Therein could lie the magnetic attraction to the narc who starts with love bombing until you are hooked.
This self-exploration can seem confusing and daunting. I always recommend a coach or therapist to help start the process. Once we harness the ego enough to integrate those banished aspects of ourselves, we can begin the process of becoming acquainted with and learning to LOVE all of what and who we are.
As always, I am here for you!
Diane Dennis is a RN, certified life coach, holds a certification in training and development, domestic violence advocacy, author, columnist and writer. She has a Youtube channel teaching healing modalities for adult children of narcissists. Get my free guide on Self-Help Rituls for Living Your Best Life here! Email at dianedenimc@gmail.com
Originally posted on Medium.com
