If you were raised by a Narcissist parent, you felt like a misfit, and probably still do. From day one, the authentic you had no value to the Narcissist. You were molded into the people-pleasing, nice, smiling, measured and selfless person you are today. You did not develop your own identity separate from the Narcissistic parent. The false self was created to appease the parent as autonomy and authenticity drained out of you.
The Narcissist parent creates an elaborately noisy stage where they were the lead in the play and you were there to quietly serve their needs, tend to their moods, and take the brunt of their rage. According to them, you owe them (for bringing you into the world) after all, and you never did nor ever will measure up. You always fall short of their demanding expectations and are blamed for their sadness, anger, or general malaise.
As the victim to their bully, you find it difficult to trust as an adult. If your own parent would talk behind your back about you, lie, and rage, how can you trust anyone else?
So you go through life feeling as though you don’t belong. You are an observer, standing on the sidelines of life. You have yet to befriend the authentic you that was banished to the shadow.
Until you unpack the damage done, dissect the dynamics of the role you played from the start, and heal, you remain a misfit.
You don’t feel comfortable in group settings, on teams, or in a work setting where there are multiple roles and chains of command. Your default, in these confusing dynamics, is to be the quiet, people-pleasing person you were raised to be. Until you cannot take it anymore, and then you quit to find another job. The problem is, you take the ‘you’ that was raised to play this game to the next job, and so it starts all over again.
One day, however, you stand up and say ‘no more.’ You have a dark night of the soul moment and choose to look at your parent and your own life through clarity you’ve never afforded before. After all critical thinking skills was numbed out of you. Your opinions were a threat to the Narcissist. But this one day, you decide you cannot take it any longer. You are tired, worn down from the hypervigilance, mistrust, anxiety, and fear. You are also tired of attracting other Narcissists who see you as the goldmine you are as the pleaser and enabler.
That is the day you begin your own personal Hero’s Journey. Welcome to the club. We are war-torn but not broken. We are now wiser, with developed skills, and can separate the dysfunction from our own truth. We start the process of growing ourselves up. We finally decided to level up, create an evolutionary leap in growth, and most importantly learn to love ourselves the way we deserve.
Along this path the quiet subservient one shrinks and the multi-dimensional, gregarious, opinionated and fun one emerges. Watch out world, you have arrived!
As always, I am here for you.
Article originally posted on Medium.com
