You are in the prime of your life! You want to experience the fun of a relationship, create memories, and dance in the intimacy of companionship, right? But — you are afraid.
The Narcissist has done a number on you. You have flashbacks of their abuse from baiting, love bombing, breadcrumbing, manipulating, and Gaslighting. Not only do you not trust others, you don’t trust your own judgment. You might even doubt your own sanity. No wonder you have PTSD when it comes to relationships.
However, we are human and ultimately we all want to love and be loved. Herein lies the problem.
In order to love, you must be vulnerable. Brene Brown champions the value of vulnerability, tying it directly to success in all things. But you have learned that vulnerability has cost you mentally, physically, and spiritually, and left you with devastating memories of the abuse you suffered at the hand of the Narcissist. Now, love for you, post narcissistic exposure, has fear attached to it. One cannot love and be afraid at the same time; it is not possible.
This is where so many get stuck. You might become supercritical on dates, or judgmental, and talk yourself out of a perfectly good person, all in an effort to protect yourself. The wound is fresh. Even if your Narcissistic relationship ended five years ago, the flashbacks, the dreams, the gnawing anxiety about the love lives on inside you, on a cellular level. You have every reason to be cautious. And, you also deserve a wonderful life with a relationship that offers a love that is healthy and safe.
Here is what I have found.
In order to meet the goal of being in a relationship, but also have the feeling of safety and security, the answer is to slow down.
Narcissists have patterns. The affection, adoration, and attention will wane. Observe what happens next. A Narcissist will begin to manipulate, causing you to doubt yourself, and end the ‘love bombing’, replacing it with scarcity known as breadcrumbing. Unless you catch yourself, you will try harder to please (see my article on people pleasing), and you will bend yourself into a pretzel hoping for the initial phase to return. You lose yourself while focusing on his/her needs hoping the initial phase was real and that it will return. If this is a Narcissist, it will not.
If you have hung in there for a while, a few months at least, and this pattern has not emerged, you may have found yourself a gem.
Learn to check your gut and trust your instincts. Protect yourself by taking the time it takes to know someone on a level that is not fast-forwarded and fueled by a false narrative and fumes of unnatural frenetic and changeable behaviors.
Love yourself enough to care for you as if you would a child, with tender, consistent, authentic, and generous ways.
Meditate, stay in the moment, listen to the small inner voice, do your homework, and have a sense of hope with a dash of discernment.
As always I am here for you!
Article originally posted on Medium.com
