If your mom is a Narcissist, you were programmed to be a slave to her feelings. On the other hand, your feelings were determined to be worthless. We were taught how to selflessly give. In fact we were groomed to believe that wanting attention or love for ourselves was selfish. Guilt was the belt, used to spank our need and desire for love.
Because the mother figure molded our emotional operating system, we slid into adulthood with mistrust, low self-esteem, and the skill of people pleasing — which came in handy for all the other narcissists we attracted.
We are love seeking missiles, all of us. We survive and thrive through the food of love. But the bread crumbs of love doled out from our narc parent is not enough to sustain us, so we are perpetually starved children running around in adult bodies.
Like an addict, we scan the environment for the next fix to unsuccessfully fill the gaping hole that is the unloved child who lives within us.
We are not inept. We are not vacant. We are not simple minded. We are wounded.
Here are some strategies for your survival kit if you are an adult child of a narcissistic mom (this info can be applied if your narc parent was a dad).
1. Set up healthy boundaries with them. I say this for two reasons. One, to protect yourself. Two, if you want to have a healthy relationship with anyone in the future, you cannot enable a narcissist and be whole enough to attract in the one you ultimately want.
2. Ditch guilt. Guilt is a program of conditioning to keep you playing the role that serves the narc best: passive, pleasing, quiet. Your opinion does not matter to a narc parent. You can try to express yourself, but you will be met with either ridicule, disdain, or indifference — attitudes that maliciously inform you that your opinion has no value to them. Journal, see a therapist or coach, and learn to express yourself to people and in ways where you can be validated, safe and not rebuked.
3. Make a plan and stick to it. For example, if your narc parent talks to you disrespectfully or in a derogatory manner, look for the pattern. Do they only do it when you are alone with them (so there are no witnesses?). Narcissistic people are aware who they can abuse and who they cannot in terms of getting away with it. In other words, they will not talk the same way to their boss as they do to you because they are aware enough to know they would be terminated immediately. When you find the pattern of abuse tell them that you will no longer participate. This makes it clear you are removing yourself from the victim role in this drama. Stick to your convictions. (My narc mom stopped talking to me derogatorily the minute I laid down this law!) She knew I meant it. We went on to have a civilized relationship and even created emotional intimacy when she was ill! It can happen.
4. Practice daily to put yourself first. As an example, when I was raising kids I did not put my gym time on the calendar. I tried to squeeze it in ‘if’ there was time. There was never time. I now schedule my gym time first thing every morning. Discover what makes you joyful, happy, peaceful and relaxed. Do more of that. I took up wakeboarding and realized that up until this, I did not play. Now, play is a priority. In other words, learn to and practice self-love every single day. The old story said ‘You do not matter’. Write a new story that says ‘I matter, I am a blessing’. You are worth it.
As always I am here for you.
Diane Dennis is a RN, certified life coach, holds a certification in training and development, domestic violence advocacy, author, columnist and writer. She has a Youtube channel teaching healing modalities for adult children of narcissists. Get my free guide on Self-Help Rituls for Living Your Best Life here! Email at dianedenimc@gmail.com
Originally posted on Medium.com
