Girls who were raised without fathers, or with distant, estranged, or disengaged dads, have a deep craving and a gaping wound. This empty space is a setup for addictions, especially for men. Looking for love in all the wrong places, they have this deep-seated fear that they are unlovable. So what happens when a charismatic, charming, handsome (in her eyes) smooth talker who lavishes her with compliments enters her life?
She rushes in, eyes closed, lapping in the luxury of such adoration. She cannot believe (operative words) that someone could ‘love’ her this much. Deep down she really does not believe it because she does not believe she is loveable, as evidenced by her father, the primary male figure in her life with whom she measured her value.
Her only goal is to keep this miraculous attention and affection coming. But, instead of love, she is experiencing classic Love Bombing. And the love bomber has a completely different set of motives. He is setting her up, true to his Narcissistic ways, to fall for him so he can get his way, have a never-ending supply of adoration back at him; and accept what is to come.
For her, it is a genuine exchange of affection and attention. For him, it is a strategy. (Change genders in this story to fit your life experience). He is setting the stage to manipulate, blame, and project all his dark shadowy unresolved issues onto her. So he must pour on the charm up front so she will be weakened and hoodwinked, while he moves into the next phase in his insidious, abusive patterns.
The flow of adoring words starts to slow, replaced with a plethora of behaviors she did not sign up for. In her frantic effort to turn back the time to that glittery place where it started, she becomes the attentive, hypervigilant, concerned, and caring partner, overlooking things most would not. She will be patient when he gets sullen, insulting, or angry. She wants him to see her the way she believed he did in the beginning. But it is never to be because he did not see her in the way she was led to believe. He saw her as an opportunity to use his flamboyant act to get in her favor so he use his default behaviors without a chance she will leave. Ironically she is deathly afraid he will leave her.
This relationship’s death grip will worsen in time, sometimes quickly. Instead of looking for love in all the wrong places, a neglected adult child must start at the beginning by healing the wound within. Learning to love oneself is the strongest ally against such unhealthy relationship dynamics.
Self-love, self-awareness, healing work, and education are key to growing out of and moving beyond the loop of attracting unhealthy partners. In order to attract a healthy and whole partner, you must first become healthy and whole.
As always I am here for you,
Diane
Article originally posted on Medium.com
