In a transactional society, how do we develop and sustain a heart-centered mentality when it comes to love? Do we want to be loved for who we are, or for what we can provide someone else?
Transactional relationships are often a Plan B after a lover becomes jaded and worn down by betrayal and abuse. “My heart is off limits,” the unconscious mind says, “but I still want some benefits from this relationship. So, I will settle for this — but not that.”
With one foot in and one foot out, these “relationships” most often fizzle out after the rush of the endorphin high drops — aka the honeymoon phase.
When I ask love-seeking people whose hearts have been bruised what they are looking for in a relationship, they invariably rattle off a list of things they do not want. These “things” are an old laundry list of grievances from negative experiences in other relationships. “I want this, but I’m not giving up that!”
This thinking is akin to going to the grocery with a list of things you do not want, instead of what you do want, and most importantly, need.
This ghosts-from-the-past orientation leaves little room to let fresh-faced love in. Once burned and jaded, the love-seeker becomes judge and jury, positioning a potential partner as guilty by association and having to “prove” themselves worthy.
When relating to a person through the lens of a failed relationship, one cannot “see” the new lover as a person; rather, the newbie is viewed as a proxy, through the judgy eyes of one who has been wronged.
I can guarantee that if we were to be completely honest and dig deeper, we would see these brokenhearted lovers speaking from a platform of a closed, wounded heart.
The solution, as always, begins with doing your personal healing work. Only then will you be in a proactive space to start rebuilding a solid forum for love. Learn to know who you are, and discover ways to love yourself into being the best version of you — for yourself and your partner.
Selflove is the breeding ground for love to enter through the front door, wide open, instead of through the side door of dark shadows and unresolved issues. You will know you are there when your list of what you want in a relationship becomes wants vs. don’t wants.
Your wish list for love will morph into something like this, regardless of gender:
“I want someone who shares the same definition of integrity as I do”
“I want someone who sees all people through the same lens of love and acceptance”
“I want a person who listens with their heart”
“I want someone who sees our relationship as a place to grow instead of a place to park unhealed wounds.”
Doesn’t this list feel more holistic, honest to your core, and heart-centered in intention?
As always, I am here for you.
Diane Dennis is a RN, certified life coach, holds a certification in training and development, domestic violence advocacy, author, columnist and writer. She has a Youtube channel teaching healing modalities for adult children of narcissists. Get my free guide on Self-Help Rituls for Living Your Best Life here! Email at dianedenimc@gmail.com
